'Demolition Man' delivers action and satire

Demolition Man (1993)
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Sandra Bullock, and Wesley Snipes
Director: Marco Brambilla
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

When a psychotic killer (Snipes) is released from suspended animation into a utopian Southern Californian society some 40 in the future where violence is virtually unknown, John Spartan (Stallone) a renegade 1990s cop, who is almost as violent and only slightly less blood-thirsty, is also awaked from stasis to stop him. Together with a dorky future cop (Bullock), he sets about hunting the mad killer before he destroys peaceful, if ludicrous, future society.


"Demolition Man" is a goofy sci-fi satire that pokes an equal amount of fun at action films, sci-fi movies, and the way Californians liked to think of themselves during the 1980s and early 1990s. It's a movie that knows it's silly and that revels in its silliness, from its over-the-top and violent action scenes to the extreme politically correct society of San Angeles. (Personally, I think this film has such a bad reputation because some of the social satire hit a bit too close to home for some of the Hollywood types and those who like to write about and hang out with them.)

The film's got a fun script that gives Wesley Snipes free reign as a truly evil bad guy, lets Stallone play the cartoony action hero he's best at, and has Bullock shining in a very funny part where she gets to present a slightly different spin on the "beautiful nerd" character she's best known for. (She even gets to be quite a bit sexier here than she is in many of her films, even while being howlingly funny.)

This movie is great fun, and it's one of the best movies that either Snipes or Stallone have appeared in. Heck, it might even be the career high for Snipes.

Destined to make you look at the clock

Destined to Be Ingested (aka "Holocaust Holocaust") (2010)
Starring: Kitty Cole, Kris Eivers, Noshir Dalal, Theodore Bouloukos, Manuel Fihman, Suzi Lorraine, Bill Weeden, and Randall Heller
Director: Sofian Khan
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

In 1987, four Yuppies (Bouloukos, Cole, Eivers, and Lorraine) were stranded on a South Island. The title of the film gives away part of what happens next--and even if it didn't... has there ever been a south sea island that wasn't home to cannibals or people-eating monsters?--but it won't prepare viewers for the Tarazan-esque love story, nor the arrival of the zombies.


First off, let me admit that I may be ill-equipped to review this film. I may even be committing the sort of Reviewing Deadly Sin that I ranted about in this article(and numerous others), because I have seen very few of the movies in the cannibal horror/jungle savage subgenre this movie belongs to,and I've reviewed even fewer.

And that could be the reason why I'm not entirely sure how I was supposed to take "Destined to Be ingested". The title and the preview for the film both scream comedy, but the execution is straight-laced and so restrained that I can't help but think it was intended to be viewed as a straight horror movie, perhaps even a homage to films like "Cannibal Holocaust" and "Slaves of the Mountain God". The fact its set during the 1980s--when many such films were being made--can be used to support either approach, as can the sound mixing. Like many films where quick and cheap dub jobs were done, the dialogue is crystal clear and obviously recorded in studio; either the filmmakers were doing it intentionally, or the soundtrack needed to be mixed better.

Whether it's to be taken seriously as a homage to the cannibal and zombie pictures of the 1980s, or viewed as a spoof of those movies, the film's flaws are the same. First off, it takes entirely too long in getting to the violence and mayhem everyone knows is coming--nearly one-third of the movie's barely over an hour running-time. The movie spends one-third of its running time on setting up characters that never rise above the level of cliches, setting up sex scenes that we don't get to see because the scene cuts away, and setting the stage for some of the most tepid violence you'll ever see in a horror flick featuring cannibals (unless the Hallmark Channel decides to make one).

But even when it gets going, it moves in fits and starts. We have a burst of violence and suspense as the cannibals make their first attack on the hapless Yuppies, but then we're treated to another stretch of nothing... where boring characters wander around doing boring things. Even though in theory there are vicious cannibals in loin clothes and body paint lurking nearby, we get the feeling that the greatest threat facing the characters is that they'll run out of beer before they are rescued.)

It isn't until one of the cannibals falls in love with Kitty Cole's character in violation of the traditions of this culture, and gets her knocked up, that the film starts to get interesting. By this time, however, the film's well over half gone, and there's really no saving it. It gets even more interesting with the hints dropped about the background of the cannibal tribe's chief, but nothing at all ends up coming from that.

The film's one redeeming feature is the way it introduces the zombie aspect. As I do with the vast majority of films I watch and review, I came to this one with no real knowledge of what it contained beyond a little blurb supplied by the distributor. I truly did not see the zombies coming, until they were chowing down on the cast members. (Yes, they're set up their arrival through ominous dialogue about the village being cursed because of Kitty Cole becoming a baby mama instead of a human sacrifice/finger food, but I hadn't expected the curse to be manifested as zombies.)


Unfortunately, the zombies also come to represent the film's biggest inconsistency and the most clear example of how its various pieces--cannibal horror, love story, zombie rampage--don't quite fit together. It's hinted that the cannibal chief is a product of a forbidden union, just like the child his son's outsider love will give birth to. But if this is the case, then why didn't the zombies destroy the village then? Did the curse come to be later? The film doesn't even provide a clue to that question, so as enlivening as the sudden appearance of zombies were, they ultimately end up making the experience of viewing this movie an unsatisfying waste of time... the only benefit you'll gain from this film is the opportunity to check your watch. First, you'll be looking to see if it's working because time seems to be passing slowly, and when the end credits start to roll, you'll be double-checking the movie's length, because it has to be longer than an hour. (It's not, though.)

And that's too bad, because "Destined to be Ingested" is actually a fairly well-done movie as far as the cinematography goes, and the acting is pretty decent all around. With a more focused and better developed script, this could have been a decent movie. (Unless I'm missing something, due to my basic unfamiliarity with the cannibal horror genre.)

"Destined to be Ingested" has been kicking around since 2008, but it will receive wide distribution on DVD through Midnight Releasing on October 5, 2010.

What's missing in this picture?

Can you solve the first-ever Cinema Steve brain-teaser? It's fun for the whole family!

Tectonic Tuesday: Special Ramadan Edition

In recognition of the Holy Month of Ramadan, I will refrain this week from posting pictures of dangerous, immodest, earthquake-causing women. Sources tell me that the all-wise, all-knowing Imam of Imams Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi, who revealed to us the danger women prose to the world when he said "Many women who do not dress modestly ... spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes," is concerned that my efforts to spread his word might in itself be causing earthquakes.

So, to make sure that the most holy and wise of the Imams can have a restful Ramadan, I am skipping this week's case study in favor of showing pictures of properly modest women (and others) in burkas.

First up, a properly modest woman showing that it IS possible for a fanatical Muslim to also be a patriotic American. Can anyone reading this say that they have ever wrapped themselves more thoroughly in the flag than Aisha Khan here? (I think that's Aisha under there. It could be her brother Ali... he likes to dress in women's clothing.)

These burkas will be on sale at the gift shop when the Cordoba House mosque opens in lower Manhattan, a clear demonstration that the effort is not a giant "fuck you" to the United States of America.

Speaking of Ali, this is definately him, enjoying himself in one of Aisha's burkas. It is said that a cross-dressing man isn't necessarily a homosexual. This is not the case in Islamic society, however. Hamas, al-Qaida, Fatah, and other Muslim-based terrorist groups are comprised mostly of homosexuals, and those who cross-dress are the biggest queers of them all. Before missions of suicide bombings and murders, it is a tradition--one that reportedly goes all the way back to Mohammed--for the Lions of Islam to ass-rape one another while screaming "Alluh Akbar!" as loud as they can. But only after the moon has risen during the Holy Month of Ramadan.

By way of contrast, here's Paris Hilton--presenting herself as modest as she ever gets--surrounded by properly modest women. None of these women caused earthquakes on the day this picture was taken, but only the Grand Imam Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi knows if Hilton was wearing the wrong hair.

Mike Oldfield and the Moonlight Shadows

Here are some videos for and covers of one of the best songs from the great Mike Oldfield. Although his past two releases have disappointed me, I hold out hope that he will rediscover the creative well-spring that brought the world "Hergest Ridge," "Ommadawn, "Five Miles Out," "Crisis," "Discovery," and numerous other great musical works.

First, here's the original video for the original single version of "Moonlight Shadow." Part of it seems to work contrary to the dark nature of the song, but overall the music and the visuals compliment each other nicely.



Here's a remix of the song by Italian producer and DJ Gigi D'Agostino. More often than not, remixes are inferior to the original song as they stretch it out and dilute it, sapping the life from even the greatest of music. Not so with this effort. D'Agostino brings a freshness to "Moonlight Shadow" that is worthy of the original.


Here's a cover by Aselin Debison set to a homemade video by a YouTuber. Not a bad cover, with a Celtic flavor that I think Oldfield would appreciate.


Polish metal band Pathfinder covered "Moonlight Shadow," providing us with a version so overblown it seems like a parody. Still, the durability of this great song is evident, and you'll be entertained. (I don't know if you'll be as amused as I was, but I hope so.)


Finnish speed metal band Deathlike Silence slowed down a bit when they covered "Moonlight Shadow." It's not a bad version, but they made the mistake of replacing the guitar solo bridge from the original song with some mess of their own creation.



Here's a techno version of the song by E-Rotic. It's apparently very popular with anime fans--there are literally dozens of different YouTube videos featuring this version with everything from anime stills to clips from computer games or anime used as visuals. Of the ones I checked out, I liked this one the best. It uses footage from "Vampire Hunter D."


Finally, bringing us full circle, we have Mike Oldfield's original song again, this time set to clips from the Dr. Who episode where Billie Piper's character Rose got stranded in an alternate universe. If you didn't know better, you might the music and the visuals were created to go together.


Fun Fact: Mike Oldfield has explained that the song was inspired by the movie "Houdini," starring Tony Curtis.

Saturday Scream Queen: Naomi Watts

Australian actress Naomi Watts has appeared in films of almost every mainstream genre in the two decades that make up what will hopefully be only the first half of her career. A number of these have been in horror genre, such as "The Shaft," "The Ring," and the horror-tinged sci-fi television series "Sleepwalkers."

Watts stepped into the slippers and torn dress of the original Scream Queen Fay Wray when she starred alongside much CGI in Peter Jackson's remake of "King Kong." Her name has also been mentioned in connection with an upcoming remake of Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds," so we'll presumably see her step into the place once occupied by Tippi Hedren.

You may feel like you've been shaftedafter watching 'The Shaft'

The Shaft (aka "The Lift" and "Down") (2001)
Starring: James Marshall, Naomi Watts, Ron Perlman, and Michael Ironside
Director: Dick Maas
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

The express elevators in New York City's famous Millennium Building suddenly develop minds of their own... and they are minds bent on murder! Will a slacker ex-Marine hunk turned elevator repairman (James Marshall) and a sexy, plucky girl tabloid reporter (over-acted by Naomi Watts) uncover the truth of what's happening, or will they fall victim to elevator industry cover-ups, mad scientists delving in Elevator Technology Man Was Not Meant to Know, and renegade killer elevators?


This often unintentionally funny horror movie features a script that should have gone through a draft or two more; copious overacting (everyone is SO over the top here that Michael Ironsides--featured in a small but pivotal part--seems subdued and restrained); and too many 'because the plot requires it' moments to count. There's enough interesting things here to keep the viewer's attention, but ultimately the movie is unsatisfying and lame, mostly because it has the killer elevators perform truly amazing and physically impossible feats without even bothering to attempt to explain how they manage to do it. (Sadly, one of my favorite killer elevator scenes is tied into one of these... the death of the obnoxious rollerblader. While I'll buy into the building's express elevators developing a mind of their own through the wonders of mad science, I can't accept that lets them completely ignore the laws of physics.)

A fun film, if you can get it cheap or for free... and if you have absolutely nothing to do, or nothing better to watch.

'Get Smart' is a great update of classic show

Get Smart (2008)
Starring: Steve Carrel, Anne Hathaway, Alan Arkin, Dwayne Johnson, Terence Stamp, Ken Davitian, and Dalip Singh
Director: Steven Segal
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

When the international crime syndicate and freelance spy-ring KAOS gains a complete roster of field agents working for the most secret branch of the United States intelligence services, CONTROL, the Chief (Arkin) promotes eager-beaver analyst Maxwell Smart (Carrel) to field agent. Together with the only other agent not compromised by KAOS, Agent 99 (Hathaway), he sets out to discover what notoriouls KOAS agent Seigfried (Stamp) intends to do with stolen radioactive materials.


When "Get Smart" was released in 2008, it got bad reviews. As with several other comedies from around that time--"Balls of Fury" and "Nacho Libre" spring to mind immediately--the bad reviews were more a reflection of critical cluelessness than any probems with the movie itself. Too many movie critics had their heads too far up their asses to see that this film provided a fun update of the 1960s spy spoof that modernizes the characters and conflicts without feeling the need to denigrate and mock the original show (as was done in movies like "Starsky and Hutch"), or all but ignore the original show, except for a little lip service (as was done with the "Mission: Impossible" movies). This film takes all that was good about the TV series, even to the point where some of the spirit can stil be felt, and delivers it in a package that both those who love the old show and those who have never even heard of it can enjoy.

While I will grant the criticsm that the movie never gets quite as crazy as the TV show could be at its finest, and that only a few of the dialogue exchanges approach Mel Brooks and Buck Henry level writing (like the "if you were CONTROL you'd be dead" scene between Maxwell Smart and Seigfried, as featured in one of the previews), but the movie would have been a miserable failure if it had aped the old show. There is only one Mel Brooks and whenever writers try to copy him, they always fail spectacularly.

The actors portraying the various familiar characters are not attempting mimic those who have come before. Like Roger Moore didn't do a Sean Connery impersonation when he took over as James Bond, nor does Steve Carell do Don Adams when he plays Maxwell Smart. The character is obviously the same character, but the Carell gives his own spin on him. The same is true of Anne Hathaway as Agent 99 and Alan Arkin as The Chief. The characters are recreated, but still recognizable.

Another very smart move done by the film's creators (particularly score composer Trevor Rabin) was to retain the old "Get Smart" theme and weave it throughout the soundtrack music. They were smart to enough to recognize that the "Get Smart" theme by Irving Szathmary is one of the best pieces of television music ever written and that a "Get Smart" update wouldn't be complete without it. Just like the actors took the characters and reinvented them, so did Trevor Rabin take the spy music second only in fame to the "James Bond Theme" and make it his with a number of playful and thrilling variations as the movie unfolds. (The soundtrack music is available from Amazon.com, and the disc contains several more of Rabin's variations on the theme that don't appear in the film but which are very creative and worthwhile. Even if you don't see the movie, the soundtrack is worth owning, because this fun music stands just fine on its own.

From the first teaser ad for the "Get Smart" film, I was looking forward to seeing it. As longer previews appeared, I started getting concerned that it was going to be another adaptation/update that was going to be intended more as an excersize in mocking the original show, or too mean-spirited to really capture the "Get Smart" feel. Thankfully, my fears were unfounded, and the film turned out to be a fun, breezy upate of the classic TV show... a laugh- and action-filled spy spoof that's well worth seeing. (It may not be perfect--there are a couple of instances I found myself thinking, "Waitaminnit... why isn't Smart reacting to that comment?" and "Why did the leap to THAT conclusion?"-- but the flaws are few and minor.)

How can you tell it's 'the wrong hair'?

Under most circumstances, I couldn't care less about Paris Hilton and her hair, but this article caught my eye.

Paris Hilton sued for wearing the wrong hair

If you don't want to waste your time reading about Hilton, she's being sued for allegedly failing to wear a particular brand of hair extensions after being paid US$3.5 million to do so.

And I am left wondering: How can the company that believes they were wronged tell Hilton was not wearing THEIR hair extensions? Do you women folk swap hair extension tips while you luxuriate in public rest rooms? Was Hilton's failure to honor her contract discovered because there is a way to tell virgin hair from non-virgin hair? (Apparently, the product Hilton agreed to lend her name and face to is made from the hair of European virgins--or so the online listing for Hairtech International products imply, as the first paragraph on this random page shows. Maybe she was busted because virgin hair would look decidedly unnatural on someone as well-used as Paris Hilton?)

Please help educate a curious bachelor whose female friends would just turn away and laugh. How can you tell if Paris Hilton is wearing the hair of a virgin in this photo from a 2008 media event held specifically to promote the Band-It hair extension product from HairTech International?



(While contemplating the mysteries of telling one brand of hair extensions from another, perhaps you would be interested in reading reviews of movies featuring Paris Hilton at Terror Titans.)

The A-bombs didn't just bring giant lizards