Saturday Scream Queen: Soledad Miranda

The annals of genre film are full of tales of beautiful women who show up as the leading ladies in a film or two, and who then vanish almost as quickly as they seem to have appeared.

One such actress was Soledad Miranda, an obscure Spanish B-movie actress in her day who has gained a cult following with the advent of first the home video market and later the el-cheapo DVD multipacks. She had a gorgeous face, a gorgeous body, great screen presence... and she must have had an almost supernatural ability to inspire the directors she worked with, as she starred in the several of the halfway decent movies from hack filmmaker Jess Franco, "Vampyros Lesbos." (She actually appeared in over 30 films betweenthe years of 1960 and 1970, but it was appearances in Franco's films that she is known for today.

Miranda may have been destined for bigger and better things. Reportedly, her films with Franco had opened a door for her with a major German film producer, but before she could even sign the contract, she was killed in a traffic accident in August of 1970.

There's only one Wonder Woman for me!

According to WENN, Jennifer Love Hewitt is fighting hard to play the title character in the big-screen, been-in-preproduction-a-LONG-time version of "Wonder Woman".

"I think Warner Bros is getting ready to make Wonder Woman and I really want to play Wonder Woman," Hewitt is quoted as saying. "I am obsessed with Wonder Woman."


Other names that have come up in connection with the Wonder Woman role in recent years are Sandra Bullock (who, as much as I love her, is too old for the part), Eliza Dushku (just wrong), Megan Fox (too young), and Beyonce Knowles (too talentless, and only brought up because of the dumb notion that Everything Is Better With Black; save her for the big-screen version of "Isis").

Out of the actresses who have come up, only Hewitt is fit to fill Wonder Woman's red boots. Here's hoping someone at Warner Bros is going to wise up and hire her forthe part, no matter who ends up on the director's chair.

'The Shunned House' is a messy place to visit

The Shunned House (2003)
Starring: Giuseppe Lorusso, Federica Quaglieri, Emanuele Cerman, Silvia Ferreri, Michael Segal, Cristiana Vaccaro, and Roberta Marrelli
Director: Ivan Zuccon
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

Alex (Lorusso) and Rita (Quaglieri), while working on Alex's latest book, investigate an abandoned inn with a reputation for being haunted, cursed, and generally just Plain Bad News. While they wander through the decaying structure, Rita starts having disturbing visions as the past and present being to collide, and the evil in the house reawakens....


"The Shunned House" is a kinda-sorta anthology film that loosely adapts three Howard Lovecraft short stories. I say kinda-sorta, because all three stories are intermixed, unfolding in an almost random order, with bits of other hauntings that take place in the inn creeping in around the edges. The tales flow in and out of one another, with sometimes no more than a lighting change or a switch in the musical score to alert the viewer to the fact that we have switched storylines again.

The three stories that take place in three different time frames are intermixed, as Rita has visions and nightmares during her stay in the decaying rooms of the Crossroads Inn. The grisly and mysterious death of a sleepwalking mathematician whose formulas may have opened doors that should have stayed closed during the 1940s (an adaptation of "Dreams in the Witch-House"), and a writer and a young girl who spends her nights playing music to keep demons at bay during the 1920s (an adaption of "The Music of Erich Zann"), are interspersed with the modern day developments of Rita growing increasingly sick from the house's influence while Alex takes notes for his book (an adaptation of "The Shunned House"). There may also be a fourth storyline... I can't quite make sense of where the torturer, his victim, and his vengeful employer that appear at various points in the film, and I can't remember such elements in any of the three stories adapted here (although it has been several years since I've read any of them), but it's the only one that seems to feed directly into the overall developments relating to Alex and Rita.

The way the storylines of the film are presented is both a strength and a weakness. On the one hand, the jumbled, organic nature of their presentation gives a dream-like quality to the movie that feeds the sense of unease and horror it so expertly invokes, but, on the other hand, only one of the stories actually reaches a conclusion, and none of them fully manages to build to the fever ptich of terror that is the hallmark of a Lovecraft plot. ("The Music of Erich Zann" is the one that comes closest, and even it doesn't quite manage to capture the sense of a Lovecraft climax.)

Part of the problem with the adaptations here lies, I think, with a lack of understanding on the part of the screenwriters of what makes a Lovecraft climax work. I think that when stripping out the florid language that makes his stories such interesting reads (but which can, of course, never be brought into a movie) they failed to notice that while his stories always end with copious unanswered questions, they do end. With the exception of the storyline of the violinist playing to ward off demons from the darkness, every plotline here just sort of trails off. Unlike a Lovecraft tale, we don't get a climax in the end, but just unanswered questions.

Another weakness of the film is the actors. While they are far better than what I've seen in many movies of this type, they are still come up short. The worst of the bunch are Giuseppe Lorusso and Federica Quaglieri, not so much because they are individually all that bad, but because there is no on-screen chemistry between them whatsoever... and this is a vitally important aspect to make us care about the characters and to make a third-act revelation by Alex have any real impact on the viewers. (The two other on-screen couples are somewhat better--with Emanuele Cerman and Silvia Ferreri in the "Dreams in the Witch-House" segments being the stongest performers of the bunch.)

For all those complaints, though, this movie was a fine viewing experience, far better than I had expected.

The photography, lighting, and production design on this film are spectacular. It is plainly shot on video, but it has virtually none of the flat quality that many of films recorded on that media do, and there's nothing cheap or substandard about the technical work that is on display here; the film looks better than many horror movies that were made for twenty times the cost of "The Shunned House".

The high-quality photography and lighting is complimented by an equally impressive display of skill on the part of the sound designers and the composer of the musical score. Many scenes include subtle ambient sounds that serve to heighten the creepiness and mystery of the haunted inn. I was also impressed with the musical cues that are used to help the audience keep track of the mystical flashbacks when first start fading in and out. Very few low-budget movies are blessed with music as well-done as what we find here.


Even more, the violin music in the "Music of Erich Zann" storyline is nothing short of amazing. It's the one place where I must eat my words that Lovecraft's "florid prose" can't be presented on the screen--the music that Carlotta Zann plays late at night is supposed to be unlike anything protagonist Marco has ever heard, and we are presented with haunting, unusual music that actually makes us believe it's possible. (The audio distortions--part of the music actually being run backwards?--that get added to the music at points in the story makes it even more believable. For a sample of the violin music in question, visit the official website devoted to the film. Make sure you have the sound turned up on your computer.)

"The Shunned House" is a film that's visually striking and technically competent in every way. It manages to create and maintain a sense of dread throughout its running time, and I wish I could like more than I do. There are so many good things about it, but the weaknesses of the film loom large when it is viewed. They are severe enough that this barely rises to the level of an average movie, and I really wish I could have given it a better score in the end.

Still, this is a film that the creators of big-screen crapfests like "Boogeyman" and "The Skeleton Key" would have been well-advised to have seen and emulated when they did their films, as Ivan Zuccon did far more with far less than they did. It should also be considered a must-see by anyone out there who is considering making their own low-budget horror film. This is (in everything except the story) an example of how it should be done.

Picture Perfect Wednesday:Memo to Muslim Terrorists

Now that it's safe for you to venture back onto to web to surf for child porn and messages from your mullahs (what with "Everyone Draw Mohammed Day" well behind us), I thought I'd offer this as a friendly warning to you.

Tectonic Tuesdays: Jessica Alba

Imam of imams Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi revealed to the world in April of 2010: "Many women who do not dress modestly [...] spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes."

Continuing our expository series proving him right, we offer this latest supporting evidence.


Eighth Case Study: Jessica Alba

Jessica Alba started endangering the Earth by putting her body on display while cavorting with sea-creatures in the television series "The New Adventures of Flipper." In 1997, at the age of 16, she caused the Qaen earthquake in the northern province of Iran.

As she grew older, the threat she posed grew in proportion, and when she starred in the sci-fi/action television series "Dark Angel"--habitually appearing in tight pants and tighter shirts--she triggered a major earthquake 75 miles south of Fairbanks, Alaska, cracking roads and crumbling support mechanisms for the trans-Alaska oil pipeline in 2002; and rocked most of Asia with a massive quake right after Christmas in 2006.

However, it was in 2005 that Jessica Alba might well have destroyed the entire planet. That was the year she played a writhing, grinding exotic dancer that inflamed the passions of men everywhere and caused who-knows how much adultry in society (as Nancy Callahan in "Sin City"); appeared in a form-hugging blue jumpsuit that left little to the imagination (as Sue Storm in the "Fantastic Four"); and ran about in tiny swimsuits that left nothing to the imagination (as Sam in "Into the Blue"). The result was predictable--if you accept the inspired vision of Imam Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi--and in October of that year, the Pakistani city of Muzaffarabad was almost completely destroyed and 80,000 people lost their lives.

Of course, Jessica Alba's destructive powers were at their most naked in "The Love Guru", a film so awful that it's unclear if the earthquake that struck Japan in June of 2008 was caused by the wanton dance she performed in the film's final moments, or whether it was God punishing the world for the very creation of that movie. (You can read a review of it by clicking here to visit Movies to Die Before Seeing.)

And all because of the immodesty of Jessica Alba.

Adam Warren presents great superhero funnies

Empowered Vols. 1 & 2 (Dark Horse, 2007)
Story and Art: Adam Warren
Steve's Rating: Ten of Ten Stars

"Empowered" is a series of graphic novels featuring stories of varying length that revolve around the young, sexy superheroine Empowered. She gains her power from an alien "supersuit" that, while bullet-proof and capable of letting her shoot energy beams from her hands, it is also fragile in the extreme when it comes to sharp objects. Any possible chance, it tears, and each tear robs Empowered of some of her powers, until she is just a normal woman again. And a woman who is naked aside from scraps of skin-clinging clothing at that.

To make matters worse for Empowered, she is very insecure about her body, yet her skintight supersuit reveals everything about it, and she can't cover up for the suit to function--she can't even wear a cape to cover what she considers to be her big butt. Even more embarrassing, Empowered continues to get captured and tied up by even the lamest of villains, so her teammates in the Superhomies must sped nearly as much rescuing her as they do fighting crime.


The first two volumes in the "Empowered" series dishes out commentary and spoofs of conventions in the superhero genre, of the conventions and storytelling styles of Japanese comics, observations about society, advertising messages, the comic book business and comic book readers, personal insecurities and triumphs, love, life in general, and a whole lot more. It's downright amazing how much writer/artist Adam Warren manages to cram onto each page of these books. Even the "superheroes have to deal with real-life issues" material is well done, which was the biggest and most pleasurable surprise in the books for me, as I haven't really liked most of that type of material that's been generated in recent years. For a while, I've been of the opinion that the only writers who could do thse stories well were Steve Gerber, Cary Bates, and Archie Goodwin (three old timers who are either no longer with us or barely working in comics anymore), but Adam Warren proved that there are some current creators who can match their talent for binging the mundane to bear in their stories.

As might be expected in a superhero spoof about a stacked heroine who gets her clothes torn off and is tied up on a regular basis, there are a number of sexual related jokes and a high level of sexual content, particularly in Vol. 1. This means these books are meant for adults, and then only adults that aren't offended by drawings of and stories involving adults having sexual relations. (And I do mean these books are for adults. These books are a cut above the usual "mature" comics, as aptly illustrated by the fact that the Vol. 2 has far less sexually charged content than Vol. 1, yet it is just as funny and perhaps even more interesting because more time is spent on character development. (Vol. 1 was very episodic in nature, with very little carry-over from chapter to chapter. Vol. 2 developes a couple of running plotlines, some of which are continued in Vol. 3.)


The stories in these books also work because every character within them has something about them that's likable or that the readers can relate to, sympathize with, or chuckle at. While these often relate to secret insecurities possessed by the characters, the characters just as often become likable because they are revealed to be goodhearted, despite appearances. Even the neigh-omnipotent comsic entity that lives imprisoned and now-powerless in an alien device on Empowered's coffee table has a degree of twisted charm and outsider nature that makes him sympathetic to the reader.

The heart of the tales is the friendships shared by Empowered boyfriend Thugboy (a con-artist and killer who used to prey primarily on supervillains, but who is now retired, reformed, and attending open-bar parties hosted by the Superhomies whenever he can) and her best friend Ninjette (a ninja-for-hire with a drinking problem). Watching the ups and downs of their relationship with each other is what really makes these books worthwhile.

I've been enjoying Adam Warren's writing and artwork for years, but "Empowered" is his best work yet. Artwise and storywise, it's top-notch stuff, and I think it's a series that should be read by lovers of superhero comics and Japanese-style comics alike. Warren states through Empowered in one of the many hilarious fourth-wall chapter introductions that there's little crossover between "manga" fans and superhero fans. These books will, hopefully, become a common ground for both camps to stand on. They should be read by every adult comics fan with a sense of humor.




If you like traditional, paper-based roleplaying games (specifically, the classic "Big Eyes, Small Mouth" game, click here to see how Ninjette looks in that system.

Nancy Drew is on the case!

Nancy Drew - Detective (1938)
Starring: Bonita Granville, Frankie Thomas, and John Litel
Director: William Clemens
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

When a wealthy old lady vanishes immediately after pledging to give a $250,000 gift to pay for a new pool for the all-girl school attended by teenager Nancy Drew (Granville), only Nancy believes that foul play may be involved. Roping neighbor and friend Ted Nickerson (Thomas) into helping her, she sets out to solve a mystery that ultimately brings her face-to-face with a band of dangerous crooks.


"Nancy Drew - Detective" is a fast-paced mystery/comedy that full of Girl Power 1930s style, with Nancy disregarding much of the rules of the chauvanistic society she lives in while running circles around adults, chasing down crooks in her sportscar and having adventures of the sorts that makes it easy to see why the "Nancy Drew" books became an immediate hit upon their debut in 1930. (While Nancy is smart and headstrong, she's also popular with her friends at school and she's always perfectly dressed.)

I haven't read any of the books myself, but someone who has told me that the Nancy Drew in print is far more composed and levelheaded than the one in the movie. I'll take her word for it,but the antics in this film reminded me of the juvenile detective fiction I read as a kid, specifically a series called "The Two Detectives". In those books, a pair of friends constantly got into the sort of scrapes that Nancy is in here, and they even relied on diguises and other bluffs like Nancy does. (Without ruining the film, I think I can reveal that Nancy and Ted infiltrate a private sanitarium, with Nancy in a black dress and veil and Ted disguised as a femal nurse. It gets really funny when he gets hit on by a lonely gangsters!)

Bonita Granville plays a cute and funny Nancy Drew, and she makes a great pair with Frankie Thomas, who plays Nancy's long-suffering pal Ted, who, it seems based on this film, is actually a cut above the usual sidekicks in film from this era. You can actually see why he and Nancy are friends... they are both very smart and they are both interested in seening the right thing done. (Although, Ted does seem to have a little more common sense than Nancy, even if goes out the window when she cooks up some crazy idea.) The rest of the cast is decent, but Granville and Thomas are the stars of the film in every sense.

For a fast-paced, lighthearted mystery film that you can sit down and enoy with the young girls in the house, I recommend checking out "Nancy Drew - Detective." Yes, it might be 70 years since the film was released, but the pacing, the jokes, and the overall story still entertains today. (If they're fans of the books, you can even talk to them about how long the character has been around, and perhaps even encourage them to write their own Nancy Drew stories, with their own take on the character. That's what the people who made the movie did, so why can't they?)

Saturday Scream Queen: Kelly Brook

Kelly Brook started modeling at the age of 16, and layouts for British men's magazine eventually led to acting opportunities, including a stint on "Smallville" and in horror films such as "House of 9".

Brook has spent the last three or so years appearing in "reality-based" television series, but she is returning to horror (as opposed to the horrible) with a vengeance, as 2010 sees her involved with three different pictures that are in varying states of completion.

Superior adaptation of classic romance

Jane Austin's Persuasion (2007)
Starring: Sally Hawkins and Rupert Penry-Jones
Director: Adrian Shergold
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

As a young woman, Anne Elliot (Hawkins) rejects a marriage proposal from Wentworth, a penniless Army officer (Penry-Jones), but as time passes she discovers that he is her true love. When he re-enters her life nearly a decade later, will she be able to correct the biggest mistake of her life and find happiness?


"Jane Austin's Persuasion" is a fabulous adaptation of one of the great romantic tales of the English language. Featuring a great cast (led by unconventional beauty Sally Hawkins) each is talented enough to make the 18th century dialogue sound perfectly natural and commonplace. Hawkins is particularly excellent, able to convey complex and shifting emotions through nothing but facial expressions.

This is another excellent British television production that in addition to the excellent cast features great costumes, excellent camerawork and lighting, and a perfect musical score. The story moves swiftly and always carries a sense of immediacy and passion... and high romance. It's a film that touched the heart of even a hardened cynic like me.

Evil spirits stalk the city in 'Tokyo Babylon'

Tokyo Babylon Animated Series (1999)
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

The "Tokyo Babylon" DVD contains both episodes of an animated series that focuses on Saburo, a young man who is the heir to Japan's greatest psychic/medium tradition and the most recent in a long line of mystics who have served the nation's movers and shakers for as long as there have been a Japan. Other main characters include his sister and their veternarian friend who is more than he appears. (By the way, I'm ASSUMING Saburo is male, although the character is about as asexual it can possibly be. I would actually assume it was girl, if not for the male name.)

Saburo and his sister are curious multicultural/multi-dominational mystics/psychics, displaying crosses and other Christian paraphenalia on their clothes and in their home, but practicing traditional Japenese magic and spritiualism. I like the sense of "whatever it takes to get the job done" that this conveys, that there's a little bit of truth in all religions.


The first episode in the series sees Saburo called in by one of Japan's captains of industry in order to see if the skyscraper his company is building really is being haunted by evil spirits. Before he even arrives to take on the new job, his employer is killed in the latest of the mysterious disasters. Instead of walking away, he becomes deeper involved... to his own peril.

The second episode has Saburo crossing paths with a post-cognative with whom he eventually teams up in order to solve the mystery surrounding a series of killings on the Tokyo underground. The mystical forces arrayed against the young medium are less formidable than those in the first episode, but the danger to his life and those she cares about is still very real.

Both "Tokyo Babylon" episodes feature average animation, okay voice actors, and fairly decent stories. While the first episode serves as a nice introduction to the principal characters--summarizing relationships that I assume one could understand better if one had read whatever comic book the cartoon is based on--the second episode is far stronger story-wise... and far more chilling.