'The Great Flamarion' is a tale of lust and tragedy

The Great Flamarion (1946)
Starring: Erich von Stroheim, Mary Beth Hughes, Dan Duryea and Stephen Barclay
Director; Anthony Mann
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

Reclusive marksman and vaudeville entertainer (von Stroheim) comes out of his shell when he believes the beautiful assistant in his act (Hughes) loves him and wants to be with him instead of her husband (Duryea). However, the coldhearted, manipulative woman simply wants the Great Flamarion to "accidentally" shoot her husband during the act, so she can run off with yet another man.


"The Great Flamarion" is an utterly predictable film, although it might not have been so in 1946 when it was made. The story never misses a chance to go exactly where you'd expect it to go, and the characters never move beyond complete and total cliches.

However, there is still a degree of enjoyment to be derived from this film if you just sit back and go with it. Hughes' performance as the black widow who should make black widows feel uneasy is so over-the-top that it fits perfectly with the nature of the script, while Von Stroheim takes an interesting term as a man who moves from an obsession with lethal guns to a lethal obsession with the woman who took his self-respect and his honor.

'Underground Comedy Movie' is underwhelming

The Underground Comedy Movie (1999)
Starring: Vince Offer, Gena Lee Nolin and Michael Clarke Duncan
Director: Vince Offer
Rating: Two of Ten Stars

Sketch comedy is hard. The comedians that made up the Monte Python's Flying Circus group mastered it, as did a rare few of the "Saturday Night Live" ensembles over the many years. For the most part, everyone else is hit and miss when it comes to creating funny, short comedy bits. And, unfortunately for viewers, the creators of "The Underground Comedy Movie" serve up mostly misses.

Many of the sketches in this film have a seed of Funny at their heart, but they are too drawn out and too repetitive to really let that Funny fully emerge. "The Adventures of Dickman" and "The Watts Up Talk Show" are the only sketches that are short and sweet enough to be amusing. Others, which started pretty funny--such as "The Gay Virgin" and "Batman vs. Rhymer" drag on and get repetitive to the point where the Fast Forward Button is a blessing.

I'm giving this film a generous rating of Two Stars, because "The Adventures of Dickman" and "The Watts Up Talk Show" truly were funny. But everything else was too dumb or too belabored to be even close to working.

As of this writing, "Underground Comedy Movie" is out of print on both DVD and VHS. The clip included below illustrates why.

Agnes Quill sees dead people

Agnes Quill: An Anthology Of Mystery
(Slave Labor Graphics, 2006)
Writer: Dave Roman
Artists: Jeff Zoronow, Dave Roman, Jason Ho, and Riana Telgemeier
Steve's Rating Eight of Ten Stars

The title character of "Agnes Quill: An Anthology of Mystery" is the 16-year-old granddaughter of a renowned detective and spiritualist, who exists ina pseudo-Victorian world where magic is acknowledged as real an commonplace enough that Agnes makes a living partly from running a "curiosity shop" that deals in arcane items and trinkets, and by carrying on the legacy of her grandfather. Her detective business is of a very unusual sort, going beyond solving simple arcane mysteries, as Agnes possesses the rarest of supernatural gifts: She has the ability to see and communicate with ghosts and other restless spirits, so she often helps them complete unfinished business so they can move onto the Afterlife. Her gift earns her a living, but it also leads her life to be lonely... and she is gaining insight into the darkness that exists in the souls of even the kindest-appearing men and women at a very early age.


Published by Slave Labor Graphics, "Agnes Quill: An Anthology of Mystery" contains six tales of the teenaged supernatural sleuth, chronicle such diverse cases as her helping a kindly (but deceased) old lady wrap up her worldly affairs, protecting an unsavory womanizer from being torn limb-from-limb by the reanimated corpses of dead lovers, fighting a steampunkish mad scientist who is snatching body parts not from cadavers but from living people, and even finds possible romance in a secret under city).

Rounding out the book are excerpts from Agnes' personal journal and from files compiled by a shadowy organization that's keeping an eye on her and her activities. These materials add depth to the characters and stories, and whetted my appetite for even more Agnes Quill adventures.

What I liked the most about the stories here was the low quantity of angst, high quantity of adventure, the slight touch of melancholy, and the vast potential that still remains in the characters and the world they exist in. The kind of stories that can be told here have been attempted in comics before, but writer and creator Dave Roman seems to have come up with a world and back story that's got more breadth and depth than previous similar efforts.


"Agnes Quill: An Anthology of Mystery" should appeal to fans of books like the "Harry Potter" and "Dresden Files" series, to those who simply appreciate well-done comics. (Another sign of the sturdiness of the Agnes Quill series is the range of art styles that are represented, from Telgemeier's very cartoony style to Jeff Zornow's intensely dramatic artwork. Each vision is equally appropriate.)


I recommend this book very highly. It's $11 for a book that I believe every comics fan in the house will enjoy; . (Well, except maybe those who need to have characters in tights with impossibly big boobs on every page. But those who appreciate well-told tales with interesting characters and offbeat adventures will get a kick out of the tales here, be they boys, girls, or adults.)

'Dead Alive': Bloodiest move ever made?

Dead Alive (aka "Braindead") (1993)
Starring: Timothy Balme, Diana Penalver, Elizabeth Moody, Stuart Devenie and Ian Watkin
Director: Peter Jackson
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

Lionel (Balme) is a gentle, kindhearted young man who is suffering under the thumb of an abusive, evil mother (Moody). When he falls in love with Paquita (Penalver), a young gypsy girl who works in the local town market, it looks like things might get better for him. But then his mom is bitten by a Sumatran Rat Monkey and becomes infected with a disease that not only reanimates her when she is died, but makes her crave human flesh. Anyone she bites then also becomes a flesh-eating zombie. Lionel's quiet life of torment eventually becomes very loud and very bloody.


"Dead Alive" is one of the goriest movies ever made. Do NOT expect to eat dinner while watching this film (as I tried to do). It will definately spoil your appetite.

And even if you don't lose your appetite, you'll be too busy laughing as the mayhem and madness spirals out of control, as Lionel's troubles expand from his zombie mother, to her plus one animated victim, to her plus four animated victims, to five flesh-hungry zombies and the zombie baby that results from zombie amour, to an entire house-party of flesh-hungry zombies!

With a level of crazed humor that's only been equelled in horror comedies by "Evil Dead II", and a level of cartoony gore that I don't think has been matched anywhere, this is one movie that I think has something for every horror fan. There are even a few in-jokes for the hardcore movie geek to pick up on. It's further strengthened by the very likable heroes of Lionel and Paquita, a pair whose romance the viewer wants to see succeed.

The only complaint I have with the film is that Lionel's motivation is a bit unclear early in the film. I don't understand why he collects the zombies in his basement instead of just calling the authorities. I understand he initially is protecting his mother, but things get so out of hand so early on that it challenged by ability to suspend my disbelief that he didn't throw up his hands and call for help. I know there wouldn't have been a movie if he had, but the Stupid Character Syndrome that infected the movie in that respect bugged me.

Still. I recommend you check out "Dead Alive", particularly if you're a fan of "Army of Darkness" or "Evil Dead II". See it for the incredible levels or gore, see it for the crazy humor, see it for the zombie-baby-goes-to-the-playground scene, see it for the love story, or see it for the Anglican priest who declares, "I kick ass for the Lord!" as he opens a can of Martial Arts Whoop-ass on some marauding zombies... but see it!

'Attack of the Giant Leeches' is boredom

Attack of the Giant Leeches (1959)
Starring: Ken Clark, Jan Shepard, Yvette Vickers, Bruno VeSota and Gene Roth
Director: Bernard L. Kowalski
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

A small town located on the edge of a swamp and inhabited primarily by unpleasant hicks is menaced by giant leeches. Will the studly game warden (Clark)--one of three citizens with a double-digit IQ--save the day?

"Attack of the Giant Leeches" is one of those movies where the various characters can't get eaten by the monsters soon enough. This is partly because they're portrayed by second-rate actors delivering badly written dialogue, but also because the film is just plain boring.

The movie reaches its high point when the local shopkeeper (Bruno VeSota) chases his wife (the town slut, played by Yvette Vickers) into the swamp after catching her with one of her lovers. There's some genuine tension and suspense in that scene, and it's the only bit that materializes in the entire movie.


(Later scenes might have had some suspense to them, but it's ruined by the fact the "giant leeches" are obviously plastic and their suckers look more like eyes than suckers. They effect is not one of horror but one of goofiness.)

There is one important lesson to be taken from this film: If you think you are hearing an angry leopard or wildcat while wandering through a swamp, it's probably just the mating cry of a giant leech.

I suppose, in fairness, I should acknowledge the fact that the movie lets us oogle a sexy chick getting dressed as her slobby husband oogles her getting dressed. I guess that's a little bit of entertainment value right there.



(Although it did make me wonder: Do most women really put their shoes on before they've even finished putting on the rest of their clothes? It seems like they always do it that way in the movies....)

'Zombies of Mora Tau' fails to live up to its potential

Zombies of Mora Tau (aka "The Dead That Walk") (1957)
Starring: Gregg Palmer, Autumn Russell, Allison Hayes, Joel Ashley, Marjorie Eaton, Morris Ankrum and Gene Roth
Director: Edward L. Cahn
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

A group of callous treasure hunters and the residents of an isolated African farm are beset by swimming zombies protecting a treasure trove of cursed diamonds.


While watching "Zombies of Mora Tau" my mind repeatedly wandered to the work of another director who was turning out cheap horror movies in the 1950: Edward D. Wood. This is film is not that much better than "Bride of the Monster", making it one of many bits of evidence that whoever first decided it was cute to slander Wood with the "worst filmmaker ever" label was an ignorant twat.

"Zombies of Mora Tau" is a film with a weak script being performed by a cast who are actors in the sense they can hit their marks and deliver their lines but who otherwise seem fairly free of any actual talent for acting. It further suffers from the fact that the costume designers or make-up artists didn't have the creativity to make the zombies look even halfway interesting--even "White Zombie", which is borrowed from/paid homage to on a couple of occasions here, did a far better job at this, way back at the dawn of the zombie movie genre--and it didn't have the budget to actually make the cool idea of underwater zombie attacks look believable.

This is one of those movies that is brimming with potential, but it remains nearly entirely unrealized because of the incompetence of the filmmakers and the paltry budget they had to work with.

Almost despite itself, the film manages to mount a number of creepy moments, such as when the slutty femme-fatale wife of the captain of the salvage ship (played by Allison Hayes) rises from the dead as a zombie and then sets about to kill her former colleagues, including her husband. However, even the creepiest moment in the film is marred by cheapness and bad acting.

As bad as I think this movie is, I did keep watching it and not because I was wondering if it could get any worse. No, in this instance, I kept hoping it would get better, because I kept thinking, "Wow... this could be a really scary scene if there was some more blood here" or "Good actors could have made this actually seem as intense as it's supposed to be" and so on.

I'm sure anyone who likes zombie movies will have a similar reaction when viewing this film. It is so full of what-could-have-been material that it will feed the imagination of any but the most braindead horror fan. This quality, coupled with the laughably bad execution of just about everything present on screen, makes it a great movie to consider for inclusion in a Bad Movie Night.

It's a shame that the film industry only seems interested in remaking movies that were already good to begin with. If there's a movie that deserves to be remade, it's "Zombies of Mora Tau". You wouldn't even need a new script. With a few minor tweaks and a modern approach to executing the story, the existing script would be the perfect foundation for a kick-ass film. (It would need a enough of a budget for decent diving and underwater scenes, though. Just imagine: "Into the Blue" with zombies! How cool would THAT be?!)

Picture Perfect Wednesday: Milla Jovovich

Ukranian-born American actress Milla Jovovich has a varied resume of films to her name, continuing to appear in a mix of big-budget fantasy/horror tinged films and small artsy-type thrillers.

'Death at Love House' is a flawed TV movie

Death at Love House (aka "The Shrine of Lorna Love") (1975)
Starring: Kate Jackson, Robert Wagner, and Sylvia Sidney
Director: E.W. Swackhamer
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

Donna and Joel Gregory (Jackson and Wagner) are researching a book about highly-revered and long-dead Hollywood film goddess Lorna Love. They decide to stay visit Lorna's estate, which is still being tended by her long-time housekeeper (Sidney). Things take a turn for the worse when Joel, whose father had had a passionate affair with Lorna, becomes obsessed with the deceased movie star and starts to have waking dreams of a life spent with her. Is Donna losing her husband to the ghost of Lorna Love?!


I enjoy watching Kate Jackson--she's my favorite "Charlie's Angel" and she made "Scarecrow and Mrs. King" the fun show it was. Her quirky voice, cute looks, and superior acting ability brighten everything she's in, and it's only her presence in "Death at Love House" that pulls it up to a rating of Four (and only barely).

This is a film that's well-acted by a literally stellar cast (in addition to the stars, it features cameo appearances by a whole slew of old-time actors and actresses, including horror great John Carradine), and that takes full advantage of the location--which was actually the home of real-life silent film star Harold Lloyd--but which is killed by a atrocious script and some really bad production design/direction at key moments. The film is overburdened by too many elements that don't pay off in any meaningful way (whatever happened to Lorna's "spiritual advisor" who keeps cropping up?), shoddy details when it comes to historical looks (at one point Joel watches one of Lorna's old silent movies,but instead of looking like a leading lady from 1923, she looks just walked off a porn movie set in 1973), and an already reliance on characters behaving stupidly in order to make the plot work (someone tries to kill Donna, there are three people in the house, and no one calls the cops or checks up on the housekeeper?!).

"Death at Love House" is a weak melodrama that tries to be a suspense/horror movie, and it fails. It's too bad to see such a good cast wasted on such a weak movie, especially the wonderful Kate Jackson.

John Wayne fails to impress in 'Brannigan'

Brannigan (aka "Joe Battle") (1975)
Starring: John Wayne, Richard Attenborough, Judy Geeson, Mel Ferrer, John Vernon, and Daniel Pilon
Director: Douglas Hickox
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

Lone-wolf Chicago police detective Jim Brannigan (Wayne) is sent to England to retrieve his bail-jumping arch-nemesis, mob boss Ben Larkin (Vernon) under an extradition agreement. However, on the very day Brannigan arrives in London, Larkin is kidnapped and held for ransom by a team of highly skilled professional criminals. Brannigan finds himself forced to not only work with detectives from Scotland Yard (Attenborough and Geeson), but also Larkin's slimy attorney (Ferrer) in order to secure the safe return of the criminal-turned-victim. Unfortunately, Brannigan is being stalked by a determined hitman (Pilon) that Larkin hired before being kidnapped, and someone within the ranks of either Scotland Yard or Larkin's gang is playing both sides.


"Brannigan" is a movie with a fabulous cast, witty dialogue, and a fairly decent concept at its heart. It's even a very somewhat clever caper story with the kidnapping and the plot and counter plots surrounding the ransom drops. All of these good traits are squandered on a script that's predictable at every turn (even by 1975 standards, I venture, as some of the "twists" were old for crime dramas by 1940 and others are telegraphed too far in advance) and a film that's overlong and padded with establishing shots that go on for ever and ever (in some cases with bewilderingly dramatic music playing).

It's really a shame, because there was a lot that could have been done with with the very interesting cast of characters here, all being portrayed by top-notch actors. In fact, the British police detectives (Attenborough's Sir Charles and Geeson's Det. Sgt. Jennifer Thatcher) are more interesting than Wayne's Brannigan character. If a little more had been done with Tatcher, Sir Charles--or even with Brannigan's WW2 history in London--this film would have been so much stronger.

In the final analysis, "Brannigan" emerges as a slightly below average police drama that even John Wayne's biggest fans can probably put off seeing.





(Trivia: John Wayne was offered the part of Dirty Harry before it went to Clint Eastwood.)

Girls in swimsuits vs. zombies = Idiot proof concept? Alas, no.

Attack Girl's Swim Team vs. Undead (2007)
Starring: Sasa Handa, Yuria Hidaka, and Ayumu Tokitô
Director: Koji Kawano
Rating: Two of Ten Stars

All teenaged Aki (Handa)wants to do is to fit in at her new school. However, on her first day, the student body and teachers are turned into zombies by a mysterious virus... except for the swim team who are immune because of their exposure to chlorine in the pool. Now, they must fight off the undead (and mad scientist rapists) if they are to stay alive. Good thing Aki's been trained to fight undead from a young age.


That is one cool cover image, wouldn't you say? It certainly sold me on the film. That and the promise of boobs and bloody gore. Unfortunately, it is like the majority of American horror-themed softcore porn flicks, except with a better marketing department creating imagery to sell it.

The biggest problem with this film is that cheapness wafts off it like the moldy smell of a wet swimsuit that's been left in a plastic bag for too long. It was shot on video by a crew that didn't understand how to light a scene properly or even place the camera for maximum dramatic effect. It features actresses who were hired first for their willingness to throw off their clothes for on-camera nudity and simulated sex (both consensual and forced) and for their acting talents second. The make-up and special effects--from most of the gore effects to some very poorly done CGI explosions--is strictly amateurish and on a level that shouldn't be seen outside films made by high schoolers with extra time on their hands. Finally, most of the fight scenes are badly choreographed and even more ineptly filmed. It will probably never cease to amaze me how many filmmakers who think they know how to make actions films underestimate the importance of camera placement when it comes to making it look like the actors are actually beating on one another.

The movie is not all bad. It moves along at a fairly fast pace--faster than most American movies to this type--and there are a few scenes that do work. The scene where a zombified teacher starts killing students with a ruler and the one where another teacher goes at our swim team heroines with a chainsaw are fairly well done. The same is true of a couple of the sex scenes.

And then there's the vagina laser. One mustn't forget the vagina laser.


If you want to look at young Asian women in little or no clothing while getting a fair dose of blood and gore along the way, you'll find what you're looking for in this film. Just be aware that it's all presented in a fairly lackluster way. (Except the vagina laser. There's no way to present that in a lackluster fashion.)